Life, Friends, and God

It's no secret that the last few months have been stressful, which is painfully clear from my radio silence. I always have lots of thoughts but they tend to occur to me at inopportune times (i.e. walking) when writing is not feasible. But here I am. Not with anything groundbreaking, but rather with thoughts & tidbits that are floating about my mind at the present moment.

Today was a good day. And that is mildly shocking considering I haven't really had what I'd call a good day at all this semester. Nothing about today was revolutionary or exciting, but it was pleasant and productive and I spent it with people I love. I only attended one class and, in typical Cornellian fashion, skipped my other two in order to do homework. I spend most of the day sharing a table with Claire Volk at the Big Red Barn, sitting in mutually content silence as she did Spring break prep, shopping, and a little bit of reading, and I responded to emails, worked on a speech for tomorrow's White Rose ceremony, and tackled a little bit of my Networks II problem set. We took a break around noon to chat and eat. We always have wonderful conversations covering lots of things. I am blessed to have a friend like Claire that I can be open and honest and sincere with. I cherish our friendship probably even more than she knows. Today was a nice reminder of a little saying I found on Pinterest: "In the middle of my little mess, I forgot how big I am blessed." It now resides in my planner as a daily reminder. However seeing the words and being reminded with a feeling of calm and gratitude are different things.

 

 

Lots of things have been going on recently. But of course, that's nothing new. Between Kappa Delta and school, I'm a busy bee. KD takes up most of my time and is teaching me a lot about people and leadership and poise. It's a rough ride, but I'm doing my best. Initiation is this weekend which is always beautiful so that will be a nice & centering.

 

Having Emily here last weekend was such a blessing. I love my family so much and her presence meant the world. I wish we could have spent more time together. Having someone to talk to that understands me entirely was really refreshing, and the cuddling wasn't bad either!

 

I'm in countdown mode to Spring Break. I'm riding at a constant level of mild panic when it comes to getting everything done. There is always homework to be done and things to read. There are always emails to respond to and calls to return. It will be nice to totally disconnect and spend time in warm weather with one of my favorite people, Jackson.

 

Recently, I've been getting better about reading my Bible. It is a nice respite during the day, and rather than feeling like an obligation or expectation, I have really come to enjoy and look forward to my reading. Though it doesn't happen every day like I'd like it to, it has become more of a habit, and I am glad that God is working in me and drawing me closer. Lots of little things have shown up in my life that have made me feel closer to him and the effect is so powerful. It is a constant source of comfort in times of stress when I start to lose myself a little bit. Right now, I am memorizing a verse a week (based on this list I found on Pinterest, of course). This week's is Isaiah 40:28... "Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the Everlasting God, The Creator of the ends of the Earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom." It's a great reminder that God matters, and the rest of the stress is trivial. I have not totally overcome my worry-wart habits, nor do I think I will be able to be any time soon, but it is nice to be reminded that God is good and omnipotent and in control. That's what's important. I am grateful that He is working in me. And I hope to keep my heart open and willing to listen.

 

I'll leave you with one more link: The Lipstick Gospel. I found it through a posted link of a Facebook friend I haven't talked to in 5+ years and followed the link on a whim. I was engrossed by this woman's love for God and appetite for life. I have subscribed to the blog and am always excited to see a new post show up in my inbox. I feel a strong bond with this woman I have never met because she sees and recognizes God in the little things and sounds a lot like someone I'd like to have coffee with. It's just another blessing and source of encouragement that God has given me. Maybe it will ring true with you, too.

 

It's a strange feeling, to feel calm and content amidst stress and strain and a societally imposed definition of success. But I continue to find support and encouragement in my life, and I am blessed to know that God is lighting my path and acting as my navigator. The moments that I manage to let go of control feel so comforting - like the nights as a child when I would fall asleep in the backseat of the car on the way home and be carried inside my mom or dad. It is terribly hard to surrender control, but when I manage to, I always wonder why I don't do so more often (read: always). It's a work in progress, I suppose.

 

Here's to blessings and grace and the good Lord above. Life is good - and I know that, even if it gets buried sometimes when I let myself get carried away in the current of this life.

Political Unrest

This ad is quite possibly one of the most offensive things I've ever seen. I came away from it feeling disturbed, disrespected, and disgusted. A sexual innuendo has no place in a political campaign. Further, the ad oversimplifies women as voters. My skin was literally crawling for two hours. There is nothing acceptable about this ad, and someone with two young daughters should see that. I am baffled and appalled.

Of course this ad just resurrected all my negative feelings about this election. I hate that this is my first election and I am not happy with my options. I should be excited to vote, to throw my weight behind someone. But I am disappointed and that is a terrible feeling.

I wish there was a "I reject these candidates, give me new ones" option on my ballot.

And I still can't shake the lingering disgust and discomfort that the "My First Time" ad has left with me.

"...you are there."

Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, You are there.
If I make my bed in the depths, You are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
If I settle on the far side of the sea,
Even there your hand will guide me,
Your right hand will hold me fast.

Psalm 139:7-10

Paralysis

Jackie: You seem stressed.
Me: Do I? I feel terrible frazzled. I can't stop thinking.

This is not the only conversation like this I've had recently. This semester, so far, has been significantly different than my previous four, and for quite a few reasons ranging from Jackson being gone to the type of classes I'm taking to my priorities to my goals. Lots has changed.

I am enjoying college a lot this year, and I cannot even pinpoint a specific reason why. I've had a lot of chances to interact with my closest friends which is always recharging. I am an introvert through and through, but being with my very dearest friends is always a welcome pastime.

This biggest difference this year is the form that my stress takes. I am not stressed in the way of freshman year, being unable to wake up with being scared, or unable to keep my eyes open in class because of lack of sleep. It's not the same as last year, which brought a lot of academic stress as well as dissonance between my commitments, desires, and priorities. No, this year is different. I have managed to successfully start giving my worries to God which has been a huge help. It helps me have a better perspective on life: I am alive and I have a roof over my head.  Nothing else actually matters at all if you think about it. Graduating would be nice, having money to buy a new dress would be nice, taking on a leadership position in my various groups would be nice, finishing a problem set on time would be nice... But none of these things have a whole lot of life importance. I've mentioned "big time stuff" before, and being able to hand my worries over to God and focus on Him more has helped me with that. The problem, then, is my asking, "Well, then why am I here?"  I struggle a lot with this. I struggle with striving to be a good person while also balancing school work and my job, without which, I couldn't be here in the first place.

I figured out the best way to describe what I am wrestling with right now: paralysis. Even the smallest decisions - "Do I need an umbrella?" - result in an exorbitant amount of thought and consideration. Expand that to large decisions like "Should I run for president of KD?" or "How should I approach studying for this prelim?" and I sometimes can sit there and ponder without a foreseeable stopping point. Unfortunately, my coping mechanism is that I sometimes just don't acknowledge something that needs to be addressed, hoping that by not thinking about it, it will simply solve itself or go away. This isn't true. I may have learned to curb my fretting (to an extent), but now I spend way to much thinking and wondering. I have moved from worrying about the outcome of a decision or something I can't control, and now I constantly preseverate over decisions still unmade.  I am constantly struggling with: "Is this the decision I am supposed to make? Will this help me become a better person? Will this help others?" I am sure those are valid things to worry about... sometimes. The problem is that it has percolated throughout my life and leaves me paralyzed even in the simplest of situations.

I have a feeling that I would not be quite as bad with this if I had a better idea of what my goals are. I am working on that. God and I are trying to figure it out. I'm just so bad at being patient, and waiting for a decision to be made clear. We talked about patience and waiting this week at Navs and it struck a chord. For now, I need to calm my heart and await an anticipated answer. I need to be open and enjoy life. I need to simply let it happen.

Exodus 14:14 "The LORD will fight for you. You need only be still." 

Psalm 77:17

For some people it's in church, for others on a hike, others out on a sail boat. As for me, I feel closest to God when it rains. LIFE is falling from the sky. Everything is drenched and beautiful. It's a second chance - washing away grime and subduing heat. Maybe it's some subconscious connection to baptism? Maybe it's because it is life giving? Maybe the little girl in me just feels at home when it rains? Regardless, I'm sitting on my porch, grinning ear to ear, watching the rain and the lightening, and feeling so incredibly blessed, loved, and protected.

Dissonance & Relationships

Before living with someone, there are the universal basics to know. Are they messy? Do they have people over often? What is their sleep schedule like? All good questions. Something you may forget to ask, however, is your television taste.

It is probably exasperated by 1) the fact that I haven't had a TV to "myself" in two years, and 2) I am mildly obsessed with TV. Courtney - who is hysterical, brash, usually offensive, dependable, and constantly outspoken - and I have very different ideas of what is good television/film (this also extends to music but I'm not even gonna try to go there). 

To name a few of our current disagreements... 

-Family Guy

-Harry Potter 

-Big Bang Theory

-How I Met Your Mother

-NCIS

-Man vs. Food

-Ocean's Eleven

-Van Helsing

-Prometheus

Even more baffling, however, is what we do agree on...

-Jeopardy!

-Chicago

-The Soup

-Pride & Prejudice

-Mamma Mia (we both agree the movie was a disgrace)

-Chopped

-Wipeout

-Finding Neverland

Don't get me wrong. I love living with Courtney. I also don't think I've yelled at a single person more than her. We are always disagree about superficial things like the channel or food tastes (similar to television, lots of agreements and disagreements). But we have some of the most awesome, intelligent, deep, boundary-less conversations. Who we think should be elected, who we think will be elected, the legitimacy of the space exploration program, the co-existence of God and science, the reasons she wants to serve our country as a United States Marine. 

In light of all the talk of diversity and tolerance that emanates from Cornell, I think relationships like ours are infinitely more powerful than any talk or policy about how to treat people. Courtney and I yell at each other when a show is coming on, but we respect each other greatly, trust each other deeply, are not offended by the other's thoughts, and learn from each other. Our relationship is far from an isolated case (it just sticks out because of the extremeness of our agreements and disagreements), and I find an incomparable value in our interactions. And, try as you might, that can't be forced by some policy or "cultural awareness" requirements. It comes from a much deeper place of mutual respect and desire to learn, without compromising yourself to be tolerant to the point of being a doormat. 

I'm so grateful for the people I know. I might graduate in May of 2014 not remembering all the steps for the iterative design process, how to get a matrix into reduced row echelon form, or how to code PHP, but I will remember the effect that my interactions have had on my world view. And I cannot imagine anything more important.

The Donkephant

In the last couple of weeks, between the shootings in Colorado with the ensuing gun debate and the fact that it is an election year, I've found myself becoming more and more political.

Ok I take that back. Not necessarily political, more like trying to hone in on my personal political identity. What I've found is that the two main parties can be boiled down and described like this:

Republicans hate the government.

Democrats hate rich people. 

Now I know that there are a bunch more nuances, but I think that sums it up on a high level. If I had to pick a side solely based on that characterization, I'd have to go with Republicans (though I'm not a fan of either party in its entirety). That conclusion is largely based on the fact that I don't hate rich people. Most of the time (with the exception of some select celebrities who I think should be required to pass grammar test or pay double the taxes), I believe that people have worked hard to earn their money, and no one deserves to be penalized for being successful. It's their money, and if they choose to spend it on twelve Porches instead of funding an underprivileged child's education, that's their own call. I don't even mean that sarcastically. I truly mean that is their possession to do with it what they will. To me, it's the same as knowledge and talent. No one should be required to use his or her talent in a specified or regulated manner. There are plenty of ways someone's talent could help people, but no one has the right to tell them that they are using it wrong. Talents, knowledge, money... They are all possessions, and the government really shouldn't be dictating how what's mine gets used.

But in a non-fiscal sense (aka socially), I sort of side with the Democratic party. Not 100% by any means, nor do I always agree with their solutions, but I can usually empathize or understand what gets named as issues. Some people need help. Some things need reform. But there are ways to go about it that don't involve striping people of the rights they were given when this country was founded. Above any sort of political divide, I am American through and through. I think a lot of times our identity as a nation gets forgotten. People forget why we were founded. And by who. And the immense amount of thought that went into the Constitution. Sometimes I think we'd be better off doing a legislation renovation. Strip back to the 2x4s (the Constitution...) and start again without all the nonsense associated with the political process like tacking on unrelated amendments to bills to either delay its passing or push it through unnoticed. Most of the time, I am disheartened by Washington (Republicans, Democrats, Tea Partiers... Whoever) and the fact that they rarely seem driven by public opinion, desires, or wellbeing.

Anyway, I never considered myself political, and I still don't. I'll probably follow a bit more closely now, though. I hope to never lose the feeling that I might be able to change the world somehow, but it is becoming increasingly clear that it won't be possible through policy and legislation. I really have no desire to be part of that process, or be tainted by it.

For now, I suppose I'll continue calling myself independent. I think party lines are silly and a whole lot more good people would be in government if we stopped voting along them.