My Favorite Subject: The Rain

Today it poured. And I loved it. I know I write about this frequently, but there is just something about the rain. For a while, I felt like rain was ruined after Nepal (drenched, cold, and tired), but today I felt entirely in love with the rain. The drama and the romance of the rain: especially at night. The way the light hits it, the way drips cling to everything, and the way you feel walking through it.

And finally, the sign above made me so happy. Acts of kindness.

And of course, only in Ithaca would there be such a thing as an umbrella share.

Time Really Does Fly...

Goodness! I don't think I've had such a long blog hiatus since I started it. I apologize!

I was sort of drawn to my blog today because I'm having an absurdly difficult time focusing today. I guess just a basic update is in order?

It's been a crazy semester thus far. I can already recognize how much happier I am this year, without ROTC. I have absolutely no regrets: I learned a lot about myself, about life, about how to and how not to lead, and I made some of my very best friends. But I feel a lot more in control this year as far as work. Sure, I am only taking 14 credits (and still struggling with Physics II), but I do feel like I'm getting better sleep - it's amazing how much better you learn if you can keep your eyes open in class - as well as enjoying my classes more. My classes have brought some clarity to my previous life freak out. I am super intrigued by my communication and technology class and am even considering changing my tech blog to be a compilation of what I am learning in that as well as my intro to web design class. Even if I don't go into traditional engineering, I can see myself project managing, doing research, or even teaching.

I guess that sort of brings me to a relatively recent sore spot for me. I'll keep it brief... I don't pay tuition to fund research. I pay tuition to learn. And I am sick of crappy professors and TA's who don't care.

I know this isn't much of an update, but I didn't want to fall totally off the map.

I promise another update soon!

What you do:

a. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search.
b. Using only the first page, pick an image.
c. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into fd’s mosaic maker.

The Questions:

1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite food?
3. What high school did you go to?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. Who is your celebrity crush?
6. Favorite drink?
7. Dream vacation?
8. Favorite dessert?
9. What you want to be when you grow up?
10. What do you love most in life?
11. One Word to describe you.
12. Your flickr name

"Any Person, Any Study"...Well, except that, and that, and that...

I feel sort of guilty for not putting up a new post sooner. "I've got plenty to say," in the words of Skeeter (The Help) and have had a very contemplative summer, but somehow, I have not gotten around to actually putting anything into words.

What has come up on my mind a lot over the course of this summer is the hypocrisy of the Cornell founding motto: "Any person, any study." I will admit that Jackson was a large part of my choosing Cornell, but there were also many things I loved about Cornell too which made the decision that much more convincing. I was very drawn to the concept of Any Person, Any Study because, even though I was pretty set on Engineering, I knew that I didn't want to be in an all-tech environment since many of my interests and passions are humanities and performance-based. I loved the diversity of the students' interests and the variations of majors and possibilities. Cornell has SEVEN separate schools: Engineering, Arts & Sciences, Architecture, Human Ecology, Agriculture & Life Science, Industrial & Labor Relations, and Hotel Management. Within those schools there are many, many majors so you can only imagine the student population.

This past year has been a little rough on me. I really do like Cornell and I am grateful to be there, but it has been extremely challenging. I worked extraordinarily hard, harder than I had ever worked in high school, and still came in the bottom half of the pack in nearly all of my engineering classes. It as a blow to my self-confidence and, quite surprisingly, to my self-awareness. I started doubting a lot about myself and it was stressful. I've called these somewhat frequent moments "Quarter-Life Crises" (which actually has a pretty accurate Wikipedia page if you are interested). But Cornell disappointed me consistently whenever I thought I had come up with a new personal plan. Anyone reading this knows - I AM A PLANNER. I know where I am going, what I want, where I want to be, what my goals are, what time I am getting in and out of the shower, what time I have to finish brushing my teeth to be on time. When I list it like that, I sound OCD. And I admit, I am probably borderline. But part of what terrified me about these quarter-life crises was that, suddenly, I had no clue where I was going and if where I was going was where I wanted to be going. Now, back to Cornell disappointing me. I finally thought: Hmm, I'll get an English minor and then continue on my current path but with something I enjoy on the side. Guess what? No English minor at Cornell, only major. Some more pondering lands me thinking: Ok, I'll major in Journalism and WRITE about science. What? No journalism major at Cornell? OK, fine, let's rethink. What have I enjoyed doing? Teaching? Ok, I'll major in Education! What?! Cornell has shut down that program too?!

I wanted to find a path. I want to have a plan that I am confident in. But Cornell seems to be really against me. With Emily looking at schools, my biggest advice for her is look at schools that have MULTIPLE majors you are interested in - specifically. Not just "Oh they have 80 majors" because Cornell has a ton and yet the three new plans I have come up with are not there for me. I like being at Cornell, and after all the work I have done in the Engineering school, I am even more hesitant to switch because then I would feel like this past year would have been a waste. I don't know if that is pride, or obstinate stupidity, or courage, but I cannot shake that feeling and cannot bring myself to switch, especially without a specific plan.

And now Cornell is phasing out dance and theatre. I am terrified that I will never know where I am going. Coming out of high school I was confident and sure of myself and proud of my accomplishments. Now I feel sort of small and incapable and I just want to have a goal. I want to have a plan. And I feel like - with the exception of the people I have met there - Cornell as let me down. On the academic front, at least. It's so frustrating, and yet I am still proud of my school, proud of where I am, and don't want to be anywhere else. Wow I sound ridiculous.

Mud-luscious and puddle-wonderful

e.e. cummings had the right words, when regular English vocabulary simply wouldn't suffice.

There is truly no better humidity than the air right after rain in Mississippi. I always said there was a Mississippi "smell." Emily and I could sense it whenever we flew down for a summer vacation at Lake Pickwick. We would land in Memphis and drive towards the border, filled to the brim with anticipation. The reddish-brown pebbly stones and Mississippi mud welcomed us home (even thought Mississippi had never been our actually home until last June). We could smell the heat, the mud, the humidity, and the love. It is a distinct Mississippi smell. And when we drove down last June with Brigitta, that same innocent excitement filled us both as the faintest essence of that Mississippi scent reached our noses. We pointed it out to Brigitta, who conceded that it did smell different, but Emily and I could tell - it was Mississippi.

Having lived here for a year, the smell has obviously faded from my immediate attention, but it is one of those things I don't ever expect to forget. It is odd to think that I've lived in so many places, and with so much extreme weather. I've seen snow on the fourth of July in Vail. I've been in the middle of a vicious and fatal heat warning in Mississippi. I've frozen straight down to my bones in Ithaca. I've gone months without seeing sunshine in Portland. And I wouldn't give a single one of those experiences up for the world.

Right now I am enjoying the post-rain humidity. It has been a hot summer, and it is only mid-June. And there is bad humidity - everyone knows that sticky kinda that almost feels suffocating (although, you've never really felt it until you've been to the South). Sometimes I miss the dry air of Colorado which prevented me from ever feeling unbearably hot, regardless of how warm the thermometer claimed the air to be. But there is, in spite of its stickiness, a comfort in the thick air. It's like been embraced. The air at the moment is not too hot, but has an indescribably perfect weight to it. I feel like I never have to put lotion on again! In all seriousness though, its the kind of humidity that just makes you fall in love with Mississippi.

I think Mississippi will always be my home.

We all falter... When will we learn to reach out for each other?

I seem to have a trend of using lyrics as titles. It seems absurdly corny, but music lyrics get to you for a reason. They ring true. They wake something up inside of you.

It has been one of those days that I have had many little epiphanies, but now that I am here to write them down, grasping onto those thoughts seems as easy as catching a cloud. All I can think about is how much I love my dog. That sounds silly but he's laying in my floor, curled up on the only section of carpet that isn't covered in the multitude of boxes I brought home from school. Nigel can't talk, but you can tell he is a thinker. And that if he was a person, he would be the sweetest person in the world. Someone who never ever complained, but loved with his whole heart. I just want to go curl up beside him and hug him for hours and hours. I hope he knows how much we love him.

One of my random thoughts today: God made nature in order to spur our imaginations. I was sitting on the porch swing and looking at a bird swooping and looking at the trees. We have mimiced birds and learned to fly. We mimiced fish and built submarines. We have learned structural techniques from the anatomy of plants. What's next? It just goes to show, God is intentional.

Obviously, that applies to more than imagination. Sometimes it's hard for me to remember to just let go. Jerimiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. Plans to prosper you, not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." I tend to get worried and tense. I just have to remember to just let God take over. He has a plan for me - but I am still struggling with what.

I have been thinking about that a lot lately. I don't really have an idea of where I want to go. I know that I aspire to be a good person, to make a difference, but I don't know how. I know that God has a plan, he has "placed a dream on my heart" in the words of Hannah's graduation speaker. But that doesn't mean it will happen without my action. I cannot simply sit back and wait for my life to pan out. I have a dream planted inside of me, I just have to find it. I have to figure out what direction I am supposed to be heading. It's scary. I am confused. I truly have no idea where I am going. And I want to find it - to be happy and fulfilled.

My first year of college has come to a close. Life is moving so fast.

Rainy Days

I'm sitting in the corner of Duffield watching the rain. It couldn't be anymore beautiful. I would aboslutely love to drop everything and run and dance and jump and laugh and get soaking wet. It's wonderful to watch. It's just heavy straight rain with occasional rolls of thunder. Even though it's cold outside, I am entranced watching the puddles form and each drop ignite a new flury of patterns. The randomness is incredibly addicting. I want to lay on the concrete and forget everything while the rain comes pouring down. "Every time it rains... I know it's good to be alive..." (Charlotte Martin).

As much as I have enjoyed taking Ancient Egyptian Civilization, even that can't seem to tear me away from watching the rain. Exam tomorrow? Hmmm....