Some Strikingly Remarkable Interesting Title

Warning: I do not expect this to be a particularly uplifting entry.

I'm sitting in the A.D. White Library (the "Harry Potter" library, if you will) forcing myself to work. It's so weird to be at Cornell when Jackson is not, and I'm trying to get as much work done as possible so this week will be less painful. I am also trying to keep busy to distract myself from the fact that I am epically lonely right now.

I had a pretty bad night last night. I cleaned my

room, did homework, and went to bed at 10. Sounds splendid, right? It could have been peaceful and calming and relaxing, but instead it intensified my feeling of aloneness. I definitely do not feel alone often here at school (kudos to Mama for telling me to get a triple - I'm so grateful for my roommates), so it was a bizarre, unwelcome feeling. I laid awake until about 1 AM (keep in mind I had to be up at 5 for PT), by myself in the room, trying to turn my brain off. I'm not sure what exactly I was thinking about, to tell you the truth. It was just an extremely lonely feeling. I am looking forward to roommate dinner tonight and then Jackson getting back from Seattle tomorrow. Perhaps the feeling sprang from a couple weeks of a lot of person exposure. I spent a lot of time with my NROTC buddies, then

Emily was here (and with me constantly - yay!) and then I was with Lisa's family all weekend (which was wonderful, by the way, Black Friday shopping, picking a REAL Christmas tree, etc). Knowing me, I would have thought I would have welcomed the me time. Guess that didn't happen the way I would've hoped. Oh well. It has passed (mostly) and now I have a pretty view of Lake Cayuga from my nook in the library where I have be

en futilely banging my head into my keyboard trying to prevail over my difficult Java project (building the game "Breakout" - you know the one with the ball bouncing off the bricks and making them disappear?). We have never had a project that required us to make something move, and my paddle is not cooperating and my TA-boyfriend (ha) is being all brilliant and interviewing with Microsoft instead of helping me. I'm so proud of him, but I can give him crap, right?

I wish this post was coming out a little more poetic/life-changing/epiphanious (is that a word?), but it is nice to just write instead of workworkworkworkwork. I'm planning on writing Emily a letter on my new stationary too. It was so nice having her here - I'm so glad that we started to get along better the last couple years. We had such a good time, even if she was sick. I'm feeling pretty icky, so perhaps it is my turn now. I hope I can hold out for the week: last week of classes for the semester which means my Java project is due, a math assignment, an Operations Research assignment, an English paper, and my Naval Science final. Oh joy.

I'm meeting with my math professor this afternoon about my bad prelim grade. I'm nervous but I'm also hoping I can show him that I do know the material, that I am studying hard, going to the supplemental class, and working so hard. It is so disheartening to put so much time and effort into a class and have absolutely no proof of it. I can follow lecture and I do relatively decently on my homeworks - so why do my tests suck so much? I just need to pass the class. I have a D and I need a C-. Guess who will be spending study week in the math support center? Making fun of myself for a moment, who ever thought I would be so horrendously terrible at math? MATH of all things! Silly 3-Dimensions. Let's stick to the xy-plane and I'm golden.

The tree outside the window I'm at looks like a Harry Potter tree. The movie was amazing. I want to re-read all the books now.

On a more philosophical note, in spite of all the madness that is college, I have learned to take better care of myself for the most part. I am incredibly homesick almost 24/7, but I am not pushing myself beyond my means and I am sleeping as much as possible and I am working hard. I know I always wanted to go to college, that it was all I ever talked about. And I am really happy to be here. I truly feel that Cornell is the right fit for me: good, trustworthy people, smart people, beautiful campus, etc. It feels like the right place. But I will admit, some days I look up the Ole Miss transfer application because I never thought I'd miss home this much. I always knew that my family is remarkably close, but I never thought being away from them would be this hard. I am so ready for Christmas break. I am not letting them out of my sight for the entire month that I am home. TSwift said it just right: Just try to never grow up. Silly me, after all that wishing, I want to be 12 again.

This ended up being a lot longer and ramblier than I had anticipated. I suppose it is an accurate representation of my mind at this moment, anyway.

Love. Hugs. 16 days.