Decisions, Decisions

I'm on a bit of a Sugarland kick at the moment - they always know how to say it just right.

"Little Miss down on love / Little Miss I give up/ Little Miss I'll get tough, don't you worry about me anymore / Little Miss checkered dress / Little Miss one big mess / Little Miss I'll take less when I always give so much more...
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright / Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win / It's alright, it's alright, it's alright / It'll be alright again / It'll be alright again, I'm okay / It'll be alright again, I'm okay (I'm okay) / It'll be alright again, I'm okay...
Little Miss do your best / Little Miss never rest / Little Miss be my guest, I'll make more anytime that it runs out / Little Miss you'll go far / Little Miss hide your scars / Little Miss who you are is so much more than you like to talk about..."

I think I have decided to drop out of NROTC. I am obviously going to finish out the semester since it's the only way financially for me to be here at Cornell, but at the end of the semester I think that I will take my leave. And I have spent roughly two full months making this decision, so believe me, it's been thoroughly thought through.

It's hard because I have a gigantic Pro-Con list. And I want to want it, but I just don't. Part of it is knowing that I have service selection of essentially aviation, submarines, and surface warfare - none of which appeal to me. I want to do logistics/supply, and that is not really an option. Another part is waking up for PT and wanting to cry. I should not have so many mornings at college that I dread waking up - it's an awful feeling.

Pros:

- money for college

- job right out of college

- friendship

- leadership/management experience

- physical fitness

- make people/myself proud

- serve my country

Cons:

- dread waking up

- Batallion PT

- time suck

- exhausted all the time

- no interest in jobs

- stressful

I know that makes it seem like Pro should win. And, you know, maybe it should. But that's a really difficult decision which is why I have vacillated so much. I am looking into Air Force ROTC because it opens up options job-wise and major-wise and there are more girls (which is honestly such a bigger deal than you'd think it would be).

But I want to be happy at college. And it's not that I'm not happy, but I know that it would be such a huge weight lifted off and I would have so much more time for me and enjoying my four years. Yes, I'll come out with student loans if I do this, but with a Cornell Engineering degree? It'll most likely be worth it. I have to believe that it will.

I'm so scared of disappointing people. I'm scared of messing this up. But if I don't make a decision, I am just going to lose sleep and valuable "crisis management" time - finding alternate money, etc.

Again, I technically have until the end of the semester, so this is not set in stone, but I do think that it's the direction that I want to go. I need to do this because otherwise I might have a mental breakdown.

I'm still conflicted. Every time I think about it I panic a little and try and figure out what is best. But time will tell, and at this point, I at least have something to work off of.