Stuck

I love being home. I am savoring every single second. And it is bringing me all sorts of joy, but it is also making me sad. I'm suck in a really awkward position between childhood and adulthood. I never really understood at the time that I was truly a child in high school. And now, with just one year of school, I'm in the interm stage. I'm learning to be independent without being entirely on my own. This all hit me when I went up into the storage room upstairs to get one of my shirts. I found all of my clothes in one of the corners, along with various pieces of my room that have moved up there gradually as my room has shifted from my room to the guest room/my mom's sewing room. And I don't at all mind the transformation, I'm glad that the space is getting used. But what hit me was seeing things like my baby blanket, my stuffed animals and dolls, and my books. It was like that portion of my life had come to a quiet close without me even noticing. I know that I have to grow up, but a part of me desperately wants to just freeze that segment of my life. On some level, I never want to grow up. I want my perfect, quirky childhood room with the safety of mama and daddy just three steps down the hall.

This does not mean that I am not eager for the future. I love the independence of college life and planning for how I want to run my life and my own space. But it is hard to let go of such a wonderful part of my life. I loved childhood. My family is loving and kind and I am so grateful for the way I was raised. But it does make moving on so very hard. It's hard to let go of something so sure and so carefree.

I don't know how to feel. I am stuck, torn, and confused. I want to move on, but it is so hard to say goodbye to something that has such a soft spot in my heart. No wonder I cried so hard in Toy Story 3. I am Andy, and I am saying goodbye to Buzz and Woody.