Looking For Some Peace

"You can't waste the day wishing it'd slow down / You would've thought by now / I'd have learned something..." (Sara Bareilles)

I am a professional worrier. No seriously, I should get paid for this. I have a feeling I am taking years of my own life with the amount of anxiety I allow to rest in my heart.

I've found a renewed strength in my faith, which has been incredibly helpful in some ways and actually even more stressful in others. I am a person who takes things very seriously. Usually, that serves me well; I am detail oriented and will always finish a task for which I am responsible. On the other hand, it puts me in the position of feeling extreme guilt for moments of failure or disappointment to anyone. And I have such a hard time letting go of those moments. I carry them with me and end up beating myself up. It's an odd, self-perpetuating cycle. I am constantly asking myself if I am being the person I should be - am I striving to be my best? To help others? To do what I can do better the world? Am I being patient and kind? Am I complaining too much? What am I doing wrong?

Having renewed faith has brought peace to many aspects of my life, and offers me hope at times when I am very down. I feel humbled by the women I have met in Bible study and I feel small in a good way. But I am having a hard time letting go completely. I have a hard time asking God for help. I have a hard time trusting. Which makes me feel guilty and then launches me into the aforementioned cycle. I try to put in a good light, telling myself that that guilt is actually a reminder to check myself - to strive to be better at all times.

On a different note, I am forming some great friendships at school, for which I am so grateful. I feel blessed to have people like Beth and Jackie in my life. I am so glad to have friends like Steve. It makes me know that the transition of next year will go as smoothly as it feasibly can. I am super nervous about the apartment though. I want to live with Beth and Jackie and Courtney so badly but I am hearing about deposits and putting rent down and I am slightly panicked. I don't know if it's possible financially. Just another worry bouncing around my ball-pit brain.

I do have an interview tomorrow for the CIT HelpDesk. I didn't get the tour guide position (which was a real downer - I've always wanted to be a tour guide). I have applied to SO MANY positions on campus, so I'm sincerely hoping for this opportunity to pan out. Although, I did find out that there is apparently a limit to my earnings? And I owe more on my bursar than I'm allowed to make? And I sorta need money for just life (shampoo? birthday gifts? etc...). So that was sorta, as Emily would say, a slap in the face. Ugh.

On a POSITIVE note (yay!), Beth and I went to AppleFest this weekend which - though it was cold - was a lot of fun. It felt very American and romantic and festive... totally up my alley. I loved the caramel apples, the fiddle music, the people-watching. It was delightful.

I need to maintain perspective. Very few things in life actually matter that much. The big-time stuff. Everything else will pan out as it should.

"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord..." (Jeremiah 29:11)