RIP Steve Jobs

"Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary" -Steve Jobs

Rest in Peace, Steve Jobs. Thank you for your incredible, visionary contributions to technology. You have changed how we interact with the world. You have truly left your mark.

Looking For Some Peace

"You can't waste the day wishing it'd slow down / You would've thought by now / I'd have learned something..." (Sara Bareilles)

I am a professional worrier. No seriously, I should get paid for this. I have a feeling I am taking years of my own life with the amount of anxiety I allow to rest in my heart.

I've found a renewed strength in my faith, which has been incredibly helpful in some ways and actually even more stressful in others. I am a person who takes things very seriously. Usually, that serves me well; I am detail oriented and will always finish a task for which I am responsible. On the other hand, it puts me in the position of feeling extreme guilt for moments of failure or disappointment to anyone. And I have such a hard time letting go of those moments. I carry them with me and end up beating myself up. It's an odd, self-perpetuating cycle. I am constantly asking myself if I am being the person I should be - am I striving to be my best? To help others? To do what I can do better the world? Am I being patient and kind? Am I complaining too much? What am I doing wrong?

Having renewed faith has brought peace to many aspects of my life, and offers me hope at times when I am very down. I feel humbled by the women I have met in Bible study and I feel small in a good way. But I am having a hard time letting go completely. I have a hard time asking God for help. I have a hard time trusting. Which makes me feel guilty and then launches me into the aforementioned cycle. I try to put in a good light, telling myself that that guilt is actually a reminder to check myself - to strive to be better at all times.

On a different note, I am forming some great friendships at school, for which I am so grateful. I feel blessed to have people like Beth and Jackie in my life. I am so glad to have friends like Steve. It makes me know that the transition of next year will go as smoothly as it feasibly can. I am super nervous about the apartment though. I want to live with Beth and Jackie and Courtney so badly but I am hearing about deposits and putting rent down and I am slightly panicked. I don't know if it's possible financially. Just another worry bouncing around my ball-pit brain.

I do have an interview tomorrow for the CIT HelpDesk. I didn't get the tour guide position (which was a real downer - I've always wanted to be a tour guide). I have applied to SO MANY positions on campus, so I'm sincerely hoping for this opportunity to pan out. Although, I did find out that there is apparently a limit to my earnings? And I owe more on my bursar than I'm allowed to make? And I sorta need money for just life (shampoo? birthday gifts? etc...). So that was sorta, as Emily would say, a slap in the face. Ugh.

On a POSITIVE note (yay!), Beth and I went to AppleFest this weekend which - though it was cold - was a lot of fun. It felt very American and romantic and festive... totally up my alley. I loved the caramel apples, the fiddle music, the people-watching. It was delightful.

I need to maintain perspective. Very few things in life actually matter that much. The big-time stuff. Everything else will pan out as it should.

"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord..." (Jeremiah 29:11)

My Favorite Subject: The Rain

Today it poured. And I loved it. I know I write about this frequently, but there is just something about the rain. For a while, I felt like rain was ruined after Nepal (drenched, cold, and tired), but today I felt entirely in love with the rain. The drama and the romance of the rain: especially at night. The way the light hits it, the way drips cling to everything, and the way you feel walking through it.

And finally, the sign above made me so happy. Acts of kindness.

And of course, only in Ithaca would there be such a thing as an umbrella share.

Time Really Does Fly...

Goodness! I don't think I've had such a long blog hiatus since I started it. I apologize!

I was sort of drawn to my blog today because I'm having an absurdly difficult time focusing today. I guess just a basic update is in order?

It's been a crazy semester thus far. I can already recognize how much happier I am this year, without ROTC. I have absolutely no regrets: I learned a lot about myself, about life, about how to and how not to lead, and I made some of my very best friends. But I feel a lot more in control this year as far as work. Sure, I am only taking 14 credits (and still struggling with Physics II), but I do feel like I'm getting better sleep - it's amazing how much better you learn if you can keep your eyes open in class - as well as enjoying my classes more. My classes have brought some clarity to my previous life freak out. I am super intrigued by my communication and technology class and am even considering changing my tech blog to be a compilation of what I am learning in that as well as my intro to web design class. Even if I don't go into traditional engineering, I can see myself project managing, doing research, or even teaching.

I guess that sort of brings me to a relatively recent sore spot for me. I'll keep it brief... I don't pay tuition to fund research. I pay tuition to learn. And I am sick of crappy professors and TA's who don't care.

I know this isn't much of an update, but I didn't want to fall totally off the map.

I promise another update soon!

What you do:

a. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search.
b. Using only the first page, pick an image.
c. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into fd’s mosaic maker.

The Questions:

1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite food?
3. What high school did you go to?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. Who is your celebrity crush?
6. Favorite drink?
7. Dream vacation?
8. Favorite dessert?
9. What you want to be when you grow up?
10. What do you love most in life?
11. One Word to describe you.
12. Your flickr name

"Any Person, Any Study"...Well, except that, and that, and that...

I feel sort of guilty for not putting up a new post sooner. "I've got plenty to say," in the words of Skeeter (The Help) and have had a very contemplative summer, but somehow, I have not gotten around to actually putting anything into words.

What has come up on my mind a lot over the course of this summer is the hypocrisy of the Cornell founding motto: "Any person, any study." I will admit that Jackson was a large part of my choosing Cornell, but there were also many things I loved about Cornell too which made the decision that much more convincing. I was very drawn to the concept of Any Person, Any Study because, even though I was pretty set on Engineering, I knew that I didn't want to be in an all-tech environment since many of my interests and passions are humanities and performance-based. I loved the diversity of the students' interests and the variations of majors and possibilities. Cornell has SEVEN separate schools: Engineering, Arts & Sciences, Architecture, Human Ecology, Agriculture & Life Science, Industrial & Labor Relations, and Hotel Management. Within those schools there are many, many majors so you can only imagine the student population.

This past year has been a little rough on me. I really do like Cornell and I am grateful to be there, but it has been extremely challenging. I worked extraordinarily hard, harder than I had ever worked in high school, and still came in the bottom half of the pack in nearly all of my engineering classes. It as a blow to my self-confidence and, quite surprisingly, to my self-awareness. I started doubting a lot about myself and it was stressful. I've called these somewhat frequent moments "Quarter-Life Crises" (which actually has a pretty accurate Wikipedia page if you are interested). But Cornell disappointed me consistently whenever I thought I had come up with a new personal plan. Anyone reading this knows - I AM A PLANNER. I know where I am going, what I want, where I want to be, what my goals are, what time I am getting in and out of the shower, what time I have to finish brushing my teeth to be on time. When I list it like that, I sound OCD. And I admit, I am probably borderline. But part of what terrified me about these quarter-life crises was that, suddenly, I had no clue where I was going and if where I was going was where I wanted to be going. Now, back to Cornell disappointing me. I finally thought: Hmm, I'll get an English minor and then continue on my current path but with something I enjoy on the side. Guess what? No English minor at Cornell, only major. Some more pondering lands me thinking: Ok, I'll major in Journalism and WRITE about science. What? No journalism major at Cornell? OK, fine, let's rethink. What have I enjoyed doing? Teaching? Ok, I'll major in Education! What?! Cornell has shut down that program too?!

I wanted to find a path. I want to have a plan that I am confident in. But Cornell seems to be really against me. With Emily looking at schools, my biggest advice for her is look at schools that have MULTIPLE majors you are interested in - specifically. Not just "Oh they have 80 majors" because Cornell has a ton and yet the three new plans I have come up with are not there for me. I like being at Cornell, and after all the work I have done in the Engineering school, I am even more hesitant to switch because then I would feel like this past year would have been a waste. I don't know if that is pride, or obstinate stupidity, or courage, but I cannot shake that feeling and cannot bring myself to switch, especially without a specific plan.

And now Cornell is phasing out dance and theatre. I am terrified that I will never know where I am going. Coming out of high school I was confident and sure of myself and proud of my accomplishments. Now I feel sort of small and incapable and I just want to have a goal. I want to have a plan. And I feel like - with the exception of the people I have met there - Cornell as let me down. On the academic front, at least. It's so frustrating, and yet I am still proud of my school, proud of where I am, and don't want to be anywhere else. Wow I sound ridiculous.

Mud-luscious and puddle-wonderful

e.e. cummings had the right words, when regular English vocabulary simply wouldn't suffice.

There is truly no better humidity than the air right after rain in Mississippi. I always said there was a Mississippi "smell." Emily and I could sense it whenever we flew down for a summer vacation at Lake Pickwick. We would land in Memphis and drive towards the border, filled to the brim with anticipation. The reddish-brown pebbly stones and Mississippi mud welcomed us home (even thought Mississippi had never been our actually home until last June). We could smell the heat, the mud, the humidity, and the love. It is a distinct Mississippi smell. And when we drove down last June with Brigitta, that same innocent excitement filled us both as the faintest essence of that Mississippi scent reached our noses. We pointed it out to Brigitta, who conceded that it did smell different, but Emily and I could tell - it was Mississippi.

Having lived here for a year, the smell has obviously faded from my immediate attention, but it is one of those things I don't ever expect to forget. It is odd to think that I've lived in so many places, and with so much extreme weather. I've seen snow on the fourth of July in Vail. I've been in the middle of a vicious and fatal heat warning in Mississippi. I've frozen straight down to my bones in Ithaca. I've gone months without seeing sunshine in Portland. And I wouldn't give a single one of those experiences up for the world.

Right now I am enjoying the post-rain humidity. It has been a hot summer, and it is only mid-June. And there is bad humidity - everyone knows that sticky kinda that almost feels suffocating (although, you've never really felt it until you've been to the South). Sometimes I miss the dry air of Colorado which prevented me from ever feeling unbearably hot, regardless of how warm the thermometer claimed the air to be. But there is, in spite of its stickiness, a comfort in the thick air. It's like been embraced. The air at the moment is not too hot, but has an indescribably perfect weight to it. I feel like I never have to put lotion on again! In all seriousness though, its the kind of humidity that just makes you fall in love with Mississippi.

I think Mississippi will always be my home.