It's Been a While

The last month has been a whirlwind which has made posting difficult because I haven't had more than two seconds to think and whenever inspiration would hit I'd be somewhere that I could do nothing.

A few of the things that have crossed my mind recently: prefrosh, the purpose of religion, and NROTC/my future.

Ok, religion has come up frequently so I'll start there. On Easter, I had the pleasure of attending the St. Luke's service with a relatively large group of friends. Catie (my KD cousin) and Jing (my KD big) had planned to go with me for a while leading up to the day, but the day before we picked up Beth and she brought Charlie and then we ran into Ruth-Anne on the bus and she jumped in. It became a group affair which only made the wonderful day so much more festive. Pastor Bair gave a great sermon about "breaking" out of old prejudices and mindsets and starting anew. Being the wonderfully goofy pastor that he is, he had an egg at the pulpit and threw it into the pews of the packed church to gasps and some laughter. Someone caught the egg, spoiling the illustration of a shattering egg, but the humor and point was still there. Everyone laughed, which Pastor Bair dubbed "Easter laughter." I've always felt renewed and fresh coming out of church, and I love smiling and singing during services. It surprises me sometimes when church makes people nervous or hesitant, or when they are somber during the service. Of course there are serious sermons now and then which require thoughtfulness and somberness, but overall church is meant to be a happy place. It is there to give you something to trust and believe in - "If you don't believe in something, it's not that you won't believe in anything, is that you'll believe anything." Faith is so important. I know people at all sorts of stages of faith: full-fledged religious, just knowing something bigger is out there, testing the waters. But faith is there to make us believe that everything will be ok. It gives us answers and hope. And it's supposed to be a happy place. It's not supposed to be scary. You are supposed to feel safe and relaxed and hopeful and happy. That's my opinion, anyway.

On a different note, prefrosh. They are EVERYWHERE. And on some level, I am tempted to write a "guide to finding the right college." I know it's been overdone, but now I see why. Everyone feels like they have the key. A few of my ideas:
1. Look around when people are going between classes. Is the atmosphere friendly or rushed?
2. As if the libraries are open 24/7. You WILL have an night that you need to stay up all night and you should know if there will be anywhere besides your dorm room open.
3. Try the dining hall food, but know that if you are there during university-specific visiting days, they have probably improved the food and it's not what you'd actually be getting.
4. Sit in on a class that you are at least somewhat familiar with. That way you can actually tell if you would be able to follow a lecture because you'll have some background and know what to be looking for.
5. Never be afraid to ask for directions or stop students for their opinions on something about the school. We WANT to help.
6. When touring, wear the sort of shoes you' d be in on a regular basis because you want to know if the campus is going to hurt your feet/if you do choose the school, you'll want to know what sort of shoes to invest in.
That's just a taste of the random things I've come up with recently. I may add more later.

And now, on a serious note. NROTC. At the end of next week I plan to tell the unit my decision to leave. I'm nervous but I know it's right. I went in to talk to Captain Weed yesterday and he wouldn't let me get more than 10 words out which was incredibly frustrating and solidified my decision. He also called me by the wrong name twice. I can now see that I am not special to them. And I never expected to be, but I did hope for some respect and sincerity which I did not get. I fully support the military and all they do, but it is not the place for me.

But where is the place for me? Jackson and his friends applying for jobs and grad school along with me getting ready to part with NROTC has left me thinking about what I actually want to do. And to be honest, I have no clue. I enjoy most engineering topics, but is that what I want to do with my life? Will I be good at it or will it be stressful? Do I want to run a non-profit? Be a writer? I know who I am, but where the hell am I going?

Facebook Rant

I have a (relatively) firm one-status-a-day stance, but some days, a girl just has a lot to say! For now, here is what *would have* been by second status update of the day:

I get kicked out of the Engineering Library on a Friday night as my parents are headed to an Ole Miss Engineering promotion event... My mom's response to my situation: "You wouldn't have gotten kicked out of our engineering building, you would have been offered beer and bbq!"

I stick to my policy 99% of the time, even on days like today, because I hate when people mis-use Facebook. Particularly status with NO point like: "Just woke up." Unless that is at 4 pm and has obvious humor, NO ONE CARES. Also people who let you know where they are (unless, like before, it has some humorous significance or attached anecdote). People are not your friend to hear what you ate for lunch or where you are studying. Also, I hate whiney, self-pitying status. Unless it is very justified and people will understand/lament with you (i.e. "Come on Ithaca, another rainy day?"), again, NO ONE CARES. And besides, why not be positive anyway? Geez people. Facebook does not equal diary. Mkay thanks.

Just had to share that! I thought I'd try out Twitter since that is where it is acceptable to update more than once a day but I am laboriously long-winded and 140 characters or less is so not my style.

Back to Linear Algebra! Yaaaaaaaaaay Cornell Engineering ;-)

Getting Pre-Leaving Homesickness

"Now I know why all the trees change in the fall

I know you were on my side even when I was wrong

And I love you for giving me your eyes, staying back and watching me shine,

And I didn't know if you knew, so I'm taking this chance to say

That I had the best day with you today."

I know that I must go back to school, face my math class and power through NROTC, but here I am, sitting in the upstairs window looking outside. I love being home. I am a hopeless romantic, a down-home girl, and an old soul. I would love nothing more than to sit on the porch with homemade lemonade and just listen to the crickets indefinitely.

I'll be back soon enough, but goodbyes might be the hardest thing in the world.

Stuck

I love being home. I am savoring every single second. And it is bringing me all sorts of joy, but it is also making me sad. I'm suck in a really awkward position between childhood and adulthood. I never really understood at the time that I was truly a child in high school. And now, with just one year of school, I'm in the interm stage. I'm learning to be independent without being entirely on my own. This all hit me when I went up into the storage room upstairs to get one of my shirts. I found all of my clothes in one of the corners, along with various pieces of my room that have moved up there gradually as my room has shifted from my room to the guest room/my mom's sewing room. And I don't at all mind the transformation, I'm glad that the space is getting used. But what hit me was seeing things like my baby blanket, my stuffed animals and dolls, and my books. It was like that portion of my life had come to a quiet close without me even noticing. I know that I have to grow up, but a part of me desperately wants to just freeze that segment of my life. On some level, I never want to grow up. I want my perfect, quirky childhood room with the safety of mama and daddy just three steps down the hall.

This does not mean that I am not eager for the future. I love the independence of college life and planning for how I want to run my life and my own space. But it is hard to let go of such a wonderful part of my life. I loved childhood. My family is loving and kind and I am so grateful for the way I was raised. But it does make moving on so very hard. It's hard to let go of something so sure and so carefree.

I don't know how to feel. I am stuck, torn, and confused. I want to move on, but it is so hard to say goodbye to something that has such a soft spot in my heart. No wonder I cried so hard in Toy Story 3. I am Andy, and I am saying goodbye to Buzz and Woody.

Airport Thoughts

I love airports. So much. I have a 4-hour layover in Detroit and I am thoroughly enjoying my people watching. I am sitting at gate A-77 with my headphones in to block out the news going on and on about everything that is going wrong in the world. I feel terrible for the people in Japan and am interested in the outcome of the Near East riots, but sometimes a girl really just needs some optimism. I know I talk about that all the time, but it’s because it’s so important to me. I completely understand the purpose of news, but I do not understand why it needs to be sensationalized and constantly negative. But anyway, that was not intended to be the focus of this post so I’ll leave that rant for another time.

The Detroit airport is quite a contrast to the drear of the news. It is big and open with sloping roofs and huge windows everywhere. There is even a tunnel leading to Terminal A with fun Manheim Steamroller-esque music coordinated with dancing light panels on both sides. I don’t use the moving walkway in the tunnel because I thoroughly enjoy the show. Today in particularly, I took a nice long walk between flights instead of using the Sky Tram or the moving sidewalks because I a) had time to kill and b) just really like airports.

I think it would be fun to do a photography project at an airport. Of course, there is all sorts of legal stuff that would get in the way of this, but I can still fantasize. I want to spend a whole day walking around and taking pictures of all the different personalities I see. The cute little girl with the hair wrap and huge bow. The businessman asleep at his laptop. The classic tourist with tube socks and safari hat. The sweats-clad college students eager to go home. The life-worn older couples with the weight of the world on their faces. The young couples trying to wrangle unruly children. The career-conscious businesswoman click-clacking down the tiles. The grumpy fat lady with a too-small shirt. The smart phone-enthralled, kind of frumpy late twenties “dude.” The family with teenage girls decked out for the beach and son who “so doesn’t want to be there.” I think you could get a pretty accurate representation of the world (or America at least) with something like that. Plus it would just be so much fun. (Sort of like Tibby’s “suckumentary” in Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Oh, how I’d like to re-read those books. So good.). There is an escalator in the Detroit airport that easily ascends what would be 2.5 stories. It was there, coming up out of the musical tunnel, that all of this personality interest hit me. Everyone was frozen, evenly spaced on the long escalators which were peacefully escorting them to their destinations. Some people were scowling, others were smiling, and others looked pensive. Everyone was going somewhere. It’s fun to make up stories about their potential travels. It also shows just how many people are in the world and different everyone is. I find it fascinating.

Another thing about this airport: the birds. I am convinced that movies like A Bug’s Life and Toy Story are much more real than anyone realizes. And it is no difference with birds. I see two of them flying side-by-side along the contours of the roof then landing simultaneously on a window sill. Birds simply cannot be as stupid as “bird-brain” implies. Maybe they were having a race? Maybe its two teenage “lovebirds” on a romantic morning stroll? It’s entertaining to imagine.

All these thoughts remind me of The Terminal. If you haven’t seen that movie, it’s a must. You’ll never think of the airport the same way.

One thing I have noticed is that there are not many older folks in airports. Does that mean they are too frail or too afraid to travel? Or does it mean they’ve been everywhere they need go and are leaving the exploring to the next generation? Does it prove that home is really the best place to be?

Seeing as I am currently in the airport waiting to go home, I just might have to agree with them on that one. Home is the best place in the whole world.

Daydreaming... Again

It is 4:00 PM on a Monday afternoon, and I have a math problem set due at 7 that remains untouched. It is not so much that I don't want to do it, I am just having a hard time focusing and being motivated since the combination of all 12 of my homework assignments only add up to 2% of my overall grade. Not the best incentive to do the work...

Plus, I am just feeling content/thoughtful. Spring Break is less than 2 weeks away, KD Big-Little Week just finished, and I dropped Chem (for my own sanity - I'll take it next Spring instead). I am thinking a lot about the future. I do that a lot, don't I? Jackson and I drove to Syracuse on Saturday so I could get my military ID. I must admit, even though I am pretty sure that I wont be in ROTC next year, that ID card is pretty legit. I feel kind of BA with it in my wallet, haha. Anyway, the drive was the most pleasant break from everything. It was so nice to get off campus and talk about everything. We came to the conclusion that Cornell offers too many opportunities to not take advantage of being here, even if that means not being in ROTC (Navy OR Air Force). Jackson - being the wonderful person he is - also had to convince me that it is really ok to not follow through with everything I've started right off the bat. College is the time to explore and change and learn about yourself even more than learning about an particular subject. There are so many things on campus I want to do - Cornell Consulting Group, Interfaith Youth Core, Tour Guide, write for the Daily Sun... The options are endless. I also am considering doing a Co-Op work program, but I have to look into that more. The important thing is that I maintain balance while exploring. I am really excited.

We got over a foot of snow overnight last night and it really made me miss Vail. I hope to get back there at some point...

Anyway, I think I might maybe need to get back to work. I have a lot on my mind and a lot to say so I'm sure I'll be back soon enough.

Missing my family... Missing home...

Wasn't it easier in your lunchbox days? Always a bigger bed to crawl into. Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything? And everybody believed in you?

Wasn't it easier in your firefly catching days? When everything out of reach someone bigger brought down to you? Wasn't it beautiful running wild til you fell asleep? Before the monsters caught up to you...