Missing my family... Missing home...

Wasn't it easier in your lunchbox days? Always a bigger bed to crawl into. Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything? And everybody believed in you?

Wasn't it easier in your firefly catching days? When everything out of reach someone bigger brought down to you? Wasn't it beautiful running wild til you fell asleep? Before the monsters caught up to you...

Big-Time Stuff

I'm gearing up for my corny-but-hopefully-inspirational Facebook event week of "Appreciate the Little Things." I should be sleeping right now, seeing as my Appreciation week ironically, coincidently, and happily overlaps with what will prove to be one of the hardest weeks I've faced at Cornell to date, but instead I'm here because I couldn't fall asleep thinking about all the corny inspirational things I wanted to blog about. I guess that's a good reason to be restless.

Jackson says this thing that apparently I said first, but it always rings true for me. "This is just small-time stuff." It helps put things in perspective. Prelims, stress, PT... They are all "small-time stuff." Family, love, friendship, happiness... That's the "big-time stuff."

I wish that I could make "Appreciation" week go on all the time. I want to let people know that they are appreciated, too. It's so easy to think about things you want to change in the world - and don't get me wrong, there is a time and place for that - but it's so important to be able to see the beauty that is already here. There are things that are bad, but there are so many more things that are good. Personally, I wouldn't make it through the day without thinking about something or someone that makes me smile or inspires me. I plan to write a whole post on people who I look to for hope.

One of my favorite quotations is by Allan Chalmers: "The grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for." I have plenty to do, I have so many people to love, and I have so much to hope and live for. I have every reason to be happy. What's crucial is remembering that when I face adversity. Which brings me to a recently-discovered-but-quickly-becoming-favorite quote by Washington Irving: "There is in every true woman's heart a spark of heavenly fire, which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity; but which kindles up, and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity." In the face of adversity, I am strong and capable.

I am having a day that I desperately wish I could convey to people the beauty and grace of our world. Always endeavor to improve, but never take for granted what exists.

Validation

Every little thing is gonna be alright

I should be doing homework. I have a ton on my plate, and two problem sets due tomorrow. But I'm in an incredibly pensive mood and I'm having a difficult time focusing. I'm also missing writing. I am not feeling particularly inspired so I don't think I could do anything about it, but I'm feeling a bit of the Engineering blues. I'm going to do my best to write more this semester. Even just a poem or two. I'm going to look into an English minor too, since ultimately, my dream job would be editing for Wired.

It's on of those mood that every song that comes on my iTunes brings back a flood of memories or a bombardment of thoughts. It makes finding the ionic concentrations in solutions rather mundane. I want it to be summer so I could go sit next to Beebe Lake for hours on end and just be. The world is so beautiful. Regardless of the season, I absolutely adore the weather and the surroundings. I love the icy, pure beauty of winter. I love the incredibly inspiring colors and excitement and freshness of spring. I love the carefree, wonderful, sunny summer. And I love the nostalgic, crisp fall. The only problem with winter is that I can't go sit outside whenever I feel the need to do so. That is my sole complaint. Well, that and the cold.

The past few weeks have been rough. I have been making decisions that will literally affect the next ten years of my life. On top of that, I have been sick and just trying to keep up with Cornell. It's scary to be less than 20 and making decisions about where I'll be when I'm out of my 20s. Today I had such a strong urge to be in Mississippi at a Cracker Barrel after driving on the Natchez Trace, eating pancakes and then sitting on the porch listening to the crickets. I think that Mississippi in the summer at dusk will always be my favorite place in the world. Geez, I'm sappy. Everything just seems so simple there.

I wish I had some epiphany to share. I wish I could say that I had a life-changing experience to describe. Unfortunately, I am just here, distracting myself, thinking about life. And I really truly love life. It is incredibly hard sometimes, but there is always something to enjoy. Love. Family. The outdoors. Simply being alive.

Decisions, Decisions

I'm on a bit of a Sugarland kick at the moment - they always know how to say it just right.

"Little Miss down on love / Little Miss I give up/ Little Miss I'll get tough, don't you worry about me anymore / Little Miss checkered dress / Little Miss one big mess / Little Miss I'll take less when I always give so much more...
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright / Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win / It's alright, it's alright, it's alright / It'll be alright again / It'll be alright again, I'm okay / It'll be alright again, I'm okay (I'm okay) / It'll be alright again, I'm okay...
Little Miss do your best / Little Miss never rest / Little Miss be my guest, I'll make more anytime that it runs out / Little Miss you'll go far / Little Miss hide your scars / Little Miss who you are is so much more than you like to talk about..."

I think I have decided to drop out of NROTC. I am obviously going to finish out the semester since it's the only way financially for me to be here at Cornell, but at the end of the semester I think that I will take my leave. And I have spent roughly two full months making this decision, so believe me, it's been thoroughly thought through.

It's hard because I have a gigantic Pro-Con list. And I want to want it, but I just don't. Part of it is knowing that I have service selection of essentially aviation, submarines, and surface warfare - none of which appeal to me. I want to do logistics/supply, and that is not really an option. Another part is waking up for PT and wanting to cry. I should not have so many mornings at college that I dread waking up - it's an awful feeling.

Pros:

- money for college

- job right out of college

- friendship

- leadership/management experience

- physical fitness

- make people/myself proud

- serve my country

Cons:

- dread waking up

- Batallion PT

- time suck

- exhausted all the time

- no interest in jobs

- stressful

I know that makes it seem like Pro should win. And, you know, maybe it should. But that's a really difficult decision which is why I have vacillated so much. I am looking into Air Force ROTC because it opens up options job-wise and major-wise and there are more girls (which is honestly such a bigger deal than you'd think it would be).

But I want to be happy at college. And it's not that I'm not happy, but I know that it would be such a huge weight lifted off and I would have so much more time for me and enjoying my four years. Yes, I'll come out with student loans if I do this, but with a Cornell Engineering degree? It'll most likely be worth it. I have to believe that it will.

I'm so scared of disappointing people. I'm scared of messing this up. But if I don't make a decision, I am just going to lose sleep and valuable "crisis management" time - finding alternate money, etc.

Again, I technically have until the end of the semester, so this is not set in stone, but I do think that it's the direction that I want to go. I need to do this because otherwise I might have a mental breakdown.

I'm still conflicted. Every time I think about it I panic a little and try and figure out what is best. But time will tell, and at this point, I at least have something to work off of.