Fly

Oh how the month has flown. And after break and excepting Jackson's week here, it has not been the best month of my life. There is so much running around my mind and I want to slow down but at the same time I so badly want to speed up. Goodness I'm confused.

I feel ridiculously out of place here. I can hardly relate to anyone, my friends are wonderful but we don't have a ton in common. I miss Jackson when I'm not with him. No one feels the same way I do about education and knowledge and the pursuit of all there is to learn. I can't relate to partying. I feel like I've lost so many friends. I want my book to turn out perfectly but I'm running out of time. I am scared about next year and how I'm going to pay for it. I'm nervous to move but I know it's right for the family.

I want to cry. I want to curl up and just release. I hate feeling cooped up and chased all at the same time. Why can't I fix everything?

Remember Me

Remember me for the happy moments.
Remember me for the love.
Remember me by singing.
Remember me by smiling.
Remember me.

I just got back from 'Remember Me' with Rob Pattinson and Emilie de Ravin. I came out of it feeling shocked, aware, happy, sad, and moved. When I got home, I found out that Cornell has had two suicides in the past two days. The combination of that knowledge and my emotional, cathartic state has put in my a very sober mood. I'm not what I would define as sad, but I'm incredibly touched and feeling particularly vulnerable.

Everything is going to be ok.


"Your fingerprints never fade from the people you touch." -Remember Me

Therapy

I keep freaking myself out. I had such a peaceful, contented Spring Break but I haven't slept hardly at all the past two days. I think way too much about the future and "what if" and everything that will happen some distant day from now. It just feels like time is moving WAY too fast in some regards and not nearly fast enough in others. It's hard and it's scary. I need to stop thinking. I need to thinking only of what is happening now. Where are you? Here. When is it? Now.

I am excited for school tomorrow. I want to get started on my senior project. I'm thrilled for what third term is going to hold. It's all so excited. I don't have anything profound to say but I have noticed that I sleep better if I write before going to bed. I hope it's true. I need some sort of mind clearing therapy. I scare myself sometimes.

Thinking

I'm finally home. And having more or less eight hours to be lonely in airports and on airplanes gave me way too much time to think. When I think I get sad, scared, lonely, and nervous. I think too much. I need to be here, now. I need to stop worrying. I need to stop thinking. I need to live.

I always feel like that girl in The Secret Life of Bees who takes on the weight of the world and nothing can stop it. She just wants everyone to be happy. She wants the world to make sense. When it doesn't, it is overwhelming. Sometimes I worry about how sensitive I am. I don't mean to be emotional and touchy, I just want to make the world just, happy, and safe. Why is that so hard?

Identity Crisis

We leave Mississippi tomorrow. I'm exhausted.

Plus, I'm feeling sort of forgotten. Even my dad has hardly texted me the past few days. My family seems to have forgotten my name (I've been called every name EXCEPT Holly - even HARVEY, the dog). It's almost like everyone is moving around me and no one is listening and no one is noticing. We tried to watch the school production of Little Women tonight. No one paid any attention. Everyone was rushing about going "Yea, yea, that's nice." The only song they sat down for was Clare's and while I love Clare and her incredible voice it still hurt to feel like my family really didn't care that much.

I'm glad I got to see Pawpaw. Pearson may be crazy but he can be really sweet. Beaty is not as bad as everyone makes her out to be. Aunt B is lovable in that way only aunts can be. But I would like to stick out to someone. I don't want to just be that good, reliable kid that can just be walked over. I will always be her, but sometimes it wears on me.

I know that I mean something to Jackson. He's had a rough week and is awfully stressed and below average on the cheerfulness scale, but at least he knows me name. That counts for a lot right now.

I'm terribly sorry for complaining. I just needed to get my thoughts out.

See you in Colorado.

Nothing Special

I do not have a lot to say. Well, I'm sure I do actually; however, all my insight and thoughtful moments from the day seem to have escaped me.

I got to go shopping on the Square in Oxford. I save my money all year for when I get to look through all the little college town boutiques. I got some fabulous new clothes and I enjoyed perusing. I also got to visit my favorite book store on the planet - Square Books. I collected a stack of thirteen books ranging from non-fiction, to historical, to memoir, to fiction, to romance, to suspense, to mystery. I had to collect my stack at a table in the small upstairs cafe and narrow down my selection. I thoroughly enjoyed listening to the banter of the employs - lively, intelligent, and interesting. I finally managed to pick four books: House Rules by Jodi Picoult, Girl Trouble by Holly Goddard Jones, The Girl She Used to Be by David Cristofano, and If There Is Something to Desire (a collection of poems) by Vera Pavlova. Having finished my new favorite book (Mary Ann Shaffer & Anne Barrows's novel, The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society) I was in need of some new finds. I love being in book stores. I hope that I may retire early and open a bookstore to feed my literary thirst for the rest of my life. I will called it Bug's and it will have bean bags and free coffee. It will be perfect.

I'm starting to realize that tomorrow is my last day here in Mississippi. I've had a very wonderful, revitalizing break - but I'm terribly sad to be going. I love it down here so much. I hardly am ready to leave having just got settled. I will be headed home armed with my Ole Miss shirt/hat/sticker/shorts, bringing a little slice of the South home with me. I'm going to miss it. I hope to be back soon.

I've reached a happy level of contentment. I'm feeling lonely but not desperately. I'm feeling proud of what my life has been and excited for what will hopefully be many full years ahead. I sound so old saying that but I feel calm and safe. It's a good feeling.

I wish I could have a calling, like cooking or justice or medicine or poetry. I may dabble here and there and impress the select few who care about me enough to pay attention. But I'm just me. I'm not really anything special. And I think I'm ok with that.

Panicky

I put my head to my pillow and closed my eyes. That's when my head started reeling. I started having one of my awful "eternity/infinity" panic attacks. That's when I realized how much writing every day has been helping me.

I'm scared and I'm tired - two things that should not ever mix. It makes my mind run wild. I remember all the other things that used to bother or scare me and I am just hurled into a world of chaos.

I want to find a way to bottle everything and make it last forever. And if I can't do that, I must find away to move forward and not think about it and love what moments we have in our brief appearance on earth. That is was scares me the most. It makes me sick with worry and disbelief. It makes me want to cry. It's nights like this when I absolutely hate being alone.

I don't really have anything interesting to say. Today brought no moments of clarity and no epiphanies. But maybe that is where the beauty lies. Finding inspiration in the midst of mental fury and disorder. Today, we visited William Faulkner's house - it was very beautiful. We bought our yearly supply of Rebel gear at Rebel Rags. We got my dress altered by a nice lady named Peggy. I got to see my cousin Jake and Uncle Scotty for the first time in ten years. And thinking about every moment makes me happy but it also sends me down this wild, sad ride. I get desperate to slow everything down. I get so scared. I don't know what to do.

I should sleep, but every time I close my eyes I feel like I'm on one of those roller coasters, gaining speed and watching time rush past me. I have to open my eyes to keep from screaming. I'm so scared.

Grandparents

I was in the driver seat of my grandma's Escalade today for about twelve hours. And what a beautiful twelve hours it was. My grandparents were the only passengers as I set the cruise control and we drove leisurely up the Natchez Trace from Tupelo, MS all the way up to Meriwether Lewis's gravesite in Tennessee. We stopped and took pictures, hiked to the highest point in Alabama (a grand whopping total of 800 feet above sea level, ha), and explored the beauty of the trace. We stopped at a picnic area called "Holly" and took a picture of me under the sign to match one of me when I was about seven or eight years old. In the old picture I am climbing up the sign posts, suspended in the area below the brown park sign. In today's picture, my head is against the sign, and I'm just thrilled to be with my grandparents. We came down to Mississippi for spring break with the intention of essentially saying goodbye to my grandpa but I can see that he is doing so well. Today I got to see the sprightly, happy, wonderful grandpa that seemed to slip away there for a while. He is still old, hobbling around and coughing more than usual. But he is happy, full of anecdotes, and smiling plenty. He used to be in such a rush to get everywhere - he never stopped to look around. Now that he is in the veteran's home, he cherishes every chance he has to get out for day. He must have thanked me seven times for inviting him along on my research journey. I loved having him in the back seat to bring back up memories and tell me old stories. He is hard of hearing so my voice is nice and sore from nearly yelling to him, but it was more than worth it. My grandma is hardly old - she is still completely aware and totally sane. I still remember driving down the Trace with them from Nashville when Emily and I were young. They used to bicker and fuss. They still had the occasional "Barbara!!" and "Bill!!" moments today, but from what I could see, they thoroughly enjoyed the chauffeured journey along one of the most important highways of their lives. I certainly didn't feel like we were in the car for twelve hours. At the Olive Garden in Tupelo after the trip, I sat in the opposite side of the booth from them, watching the two of them eat. They seemed like the perfect happy old couple. A couple that had been through a lot together but have had a wonderful time in the process. They looked like the kind of couple you'd see across the room and say "Awww." This is how I want to remember them. What I saw today made me believe that they could both still have a while left here, but you never know what may happen. I hate to think of that, it makes me utterly upset and entirely sad. But seeing their happiness today made me see just how much every moment has meant. They remind me of the couple in the Notebook. I hope that I can be that way when I'm old. Happy, still mentally clear, and content when my life. They really mean a lot to me. I'm doing my best to only think of the NOW with them.