Panicky

I put my head to my pillow and closed my eyes. That's when my head started reeling. I started having one of my awful "eternity/infinity" panic attacks. That's when I realized how much writing every day has been helping me.

I'm scared and I'm tired - two things that should not ever mix. It makes my mind run wild. I remember all the other things that used to bother or scare me and I am just hurled into a world of chaos.

I want to find a way to bottle everything and make it last forever. And if I can't do that, I must find away to move forward and not think about it and love what moments we have in our brief appearance on earth. That is was scares me the most. It makes me sick with worry and disbelief. It makes me want to cry. It's nights like this when I absolutely hate being alone.

I don't really have anything interesting to say. Today brought no moments of clarity and no epiphanies. But maybe that is where the beauty lies. Finding inspiration in the midst of mental fury and disorder. Today, we visited William Faulkner's house - it was very beautiful. We bought our yearly supply of Rebel gear at Rebel Rags. We got my dress altered by a nice lady named Peggy. I got to see my cousin Jake and Uncle Scotty for the first time in ten years. And thinking about every moment makes me happy but it also sends me down this wild, sad ride. I get desperate to slow everything down. I get so scared. I don't know what to do.

I should sleep, but every time I close my eyes I feel like I'm on one of those roller coasters, gaining speed and watching time rush past me. I have to open my eyes to keep from screaming. I'm so scared.