I spend a lot of my time thinking - which some would consider a virtue and others a fault. I, myself, am torn between the two. Thinking so much means that I hardly ever miss any crucial decision, but it also means I am constantly vacillating. I spend a lot of time making mental Pro-Con lists, panicking about everything, and focusing largely on the future.
The main source of worry is NROTC. It's hard and it's scary and it's overwhelming. I get this built-up dread every time I think about Battalion PT and I spend almost every morning stirring restlessly, worried I might miss Drill or Remedial or PT. It is such a mental strain that some days I truly feel as though I've gone mad. I am constantly waffling about if it is the right thing for me. I love my fellow 4th Class Midshipman. They are all wonderful and supportive and I do believe I would have left a long time ago if it weren't for them. I am trying to power through the semester so that I can get a sense for unit life without Drill, etc, but I am worried that with only Wednesdays spent at the unit (with the dreadful Battalion PT and slightly intimidating but not nearly as dreadful Drill Lab) I might dislike it even more. I hate feeling so undecided but I also hate that I dread waking up some mornings. I don't understand why it is so scary for me.
Then there is my health which seems hell-bent on staying unkempt. On some level, I wonder if God is trying to get me away from NROTC but then I also wonder if I only tell myself that so that I have an excuse to get away. I am so tired of feeling sick and weak but it simply won't go away. I feel like I am permanently broken.
I also worry about money. I never want to ask for any but I am running out and don't know how I am going to pay for things without an outside job which will just add to my mental distress. It's frustrating to know that I am paying to be at a school that it costs to live at and I am giving up so much by doing NROTC which doesn't even cover everything. Sometimes I want to just have a normal college student life. But what is that, anyway?
Of course there is also the workload of being a Cornell Engineer. Who knew? That's pretty self-explanatory though.
I am thinking all the time. I am panicking, stressing, dreading, and not sleeping all the time.
I miss home. I love Jackson and he makes everything so much more bearable, but I miss my family. I miss the simplicity. I am terrified of the sheer responsibility, the somberness, the intensity of the Navy. Sometimes I want to drop out of school, move back to Mississippi, and live a simple life with a small country house, sweet tea, and a back-porch swing. There is something so wonderful about that prospect. I know that it is silly and that I would regret not finishing school, but you can see the appeal, can't you?
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to calm down and feel better. I don't know how to stop dreading NROTC. I really want to like it... Really I do. I have moments that I am so proud to be serving and being part of something so noble. But sometimes it's just so darn scary.
I wish I had some uplifting words or a resolution to bring to this entry. Unfortunately, it has served more as therapeutic than as inspirational. I am growing up - fast - and I want to be strong and make my parents proud. But sometimes, it's just so hard.
I am so excited to start going to church next weekend. That will help immensely. For now, I leave you with this verse:
Therefore, we do not lose heart! Though outwardly we are washing away, inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary but what is unseen is eternal.
2 Corinthians 4:16-1
No comments:
Post a Comment